Bumping Life's Funny Bone

Month: January, 2017

Wedding countdown… the final night

Day 30:
AM: Body feels like I slept underneath bag of bricks. Sit up in bed. Immediately stress eat muffin. Stare at self in mirror for 10 min just staring. Who is that guy? This is day before wedding. All the final thoughts are flooding. Eat more muffin. Older brother goes into older brother mode and acts as care taker of my day. Set up tables at church. Set up decoration things. All is a blur. Seconds slip by faster. So real so real so real so real.

PM: Rehearsal. For my wedding. We are having wedding rehearsal for my wedding where I will marry my dream woman best friend. Fiance is stuck with me forever and ever amen. Thank God. We are all smelly and tired from setting up. But we are in the chapel. We are practicing being husband and wife instead of just fiance and fiance. So many hugs happening. Rehearsal dinner. Fiance looks stunning. Family and friends gather. Older brother gives best man speech and we are all crying. I can’t make eye contact when he makes eye contact. Tears. Laughter. Love-filled deep-hearted tears. So much said even in pauses of silence. More speeches more tears and laughter. Running out of tissues. Don’t deserve these amazing people. Eat BBQ ribs and cakes. Drink one beer and feel like I’m 4 deep. Thanking and hugging. Rinse & repeat. Local brewery with a bunch of friends. Can’t believe all these people would come for us. Drink half a beer. So exhausted. Hotel to sleep. Older brother feeds me pizza rolls as last supper. Final night as Unmarried Bachelor Fiance Paul. Goodbye Unmarried Bachelor Paul. Hello Husband Paul. Hello Joyful Paul. Thank you God for this amazing woman. My wife.

These are the end of these posts. Thank you for tolerating. NO WAY IN HELL I’M POSTING NIGHT OF WEDDING. XOXO.


Wedding countdown cont’d… Day 29

Day 29:
AM: alksjglkhsalkdgjlskhglka. Hot mama gimme that headache! Love the sinus pressure that’s taken residence in my brain. Perfect for wedding preparations. Just waking up makes me feel hungover. Got wasted on “sleep” and “awakening”. Eat imitation breakfast in hotel lobby. Fiance and I pick up our MARRIAGE LICENSE. We are officially halfway married. Begin decorating church gym for reception. Use scissor lift to hang 100,000 miles of string lights from rafters. We are no longer bridal party. We are factory workers. Wedding prep is fun way to realize true calling as blue collar warehouse employee. What is a lower back? Inhale table of kimchi and kalbi beef for lunch.

PM: Hang lights and repeat. Cut flowers. Spray paint flowers (murder?). Hang lights more and more and forever hanging lights always hanging lights. Sushi family dinner. We order two boats of sushi. Waitress tells me her daughter floats on them sometime. Continue to eat off boat where her daughter sometimes sits. Back to warehouse job hanging lights for wedding. Slower this time from overeating sushi. Drink half a beer. Slow body. Belly grows larger. Too late to elope? Just kidding. Eloping is too easy and stress-free. Put fun lanterns on string lights. Late night pick up from the airport. Taxi driver Paul feels like Tired Paul. Return to momma’s hotel room where it’s peaceful. Calm of momma’s home follows where ever she goes. Say prayers and thank God for incredibly devoted, helpful friends and family. Don’t deserve them. They have no idea how much they have to help tomorrow. We will all be factory workers.

Wedding countdown cont’d… (Day 27 & 28)

Day 27:
AM: HEADACHE. FOR FREE. FREE HEADACHE. HAVE ALL OF THEM. HEADACHE IS GOOD ALARM CLOCK. Wait around all day for flight tonight. My suitcase has been packed for two days. Opie is increasingly suspicious of bag commotion in the house. Feed him treats. Drop him off at kennel and feel like negligent father. Last day in Florida with momma. Instead of being useful human being I eat snacks on couch. Prescribe myself Cheese Wiz each time stress and nerves creep into head.

PM: Fully engaged with frontal headache before traveling. So blessed. Aunt, Uncle and cousins pick up me and momma for airport. My suitcase almost doesn’t fit. Bags stack floor to ceiling in car. Can’t budge. Foreshadow of flight. Headache massages frontal lobe. Mom has TSA pre-check and skips through security. I go in peasant line. It’s like Black Friday shopping but just the waiting in lines part (pre-cyber sale days). We are cows being herded without sweet relief of slaughter. Make it to our gate. A nursery of screaming children is stationed in our area. Satan doesn’t want us going to San Diego. Past Paul hates Future Paul and booked Frontier. Present Paul always suffers. No cover on our arm rest. Just metal bar. Frontier is public transit of the sky. We are the people who would’ve drowned on the Titanic. Peasants. Immediately start eating bag of snack rations mom packed. 5 1/2 hr flight. No music. No movie. No reading. Can’t sleep. Just sit and stare straight ahead for 2 hours like serial killer. Man next to me has loud music playing from earbuds. For 3 hours I fantasize about confronting him/ killing him/ asking to stop/ opening cabin door/ combination of all four. We land. Mom’s head about to explode like in Total Recall. Arrive to hotel just before 2AM. Tell hotel clerk I’m checking in for my wedding. He says “congrats… is this your first marriage?” I burn down the hotel. Let him know he should give me room key and just stop. Finally here in San Diego. Going to be VERY married VERY soon.

Day 28:
AM: Body pulls prank on me with time change. Wake at 6AM. Classic schtick. Finally see fiance. We embrace in hotel lobby. Audience of half-asleep tourists eating french toast drink in our love. Feels like a month has passed. All stress and tiredness dissolves as we hug. Fiance’s father takes us– mom, brother & wife on San Diego tour. If you hate perfect weather and beautiful cities don’t move here.

PM: Mom, brother & wife, one groomsman meet fiance’s family for first time. NAIL IT. As if we rehearsed together for months. The two older brothers talk older brother stuff like beer. I chime in with jokes and bomb. Having two older brothers is too much pressure. Fiance’s mom comments on my shrunken in cheeks. Fiance now feels responsible to feed me. How did I win this? Eat the most delicious homemade Korean meal I’ve ever had. My family eats like we just got out of prison. Lots of hugs and thank you’s. When there are language barriers just keep saying thank you and laugh occasionally. Help fiance with wedding prep. She’s unstoppable. All are exhausted. Sleep.

Wedding countdown cont’d…(LAST DAY AT MOMMA’S HOUSE) Day 26

Day 26:
AM: That type of wake up where you forget where you are. Take an entire CVS worth of vitamin C. Promise myself to be productive today. Productive for first 5 minutes following a cup of coffee. Sit with Opie. Just sit. Must eat healthy today must eat healthy today. Eat some Cheese Wiz and crackers. Fiance deploys wedding prep list action plan for the day. I send a whole email and look at an excel sheet. I’m a big boy.

PM: Visit with friends. Get a marriage devotional book. Waiting for someone to give me a magical sword and riddle for this journey for which I am about to embark. Friend’s marriage advice– “she’s always right.” Scary thing is fiance actually is always right. I will have to fake being frustrated about wife’s wise counsel to fit in with future husband pals (will ask fiance if this is good decision). This is the woman who informed me that washing my face before bed every night was a thing. Every night. Genuinely thought only girls do that. Dinner with mom and Grammy. Last supper with them as non-married Paul. More wedding action phone calls with fiance. Huge perk of wedding is there will only be one. Mom and I watch Goosebumps before bed. Double-down on being a child one final night. Glass of chocolate milk for night cap. Check in for our flights. Frontier. God help us. Sell the house, life insurance policy and 18 quarts of blood to pay for baggage and seating fees. None of it matters. Tomorrow I see my betrothed. Excited for a week of kimchi and putting on permanent rings.

Wedding countdown cont’d…(Santa brought me a wife!) Day 25

Day 25:
AM: Awake to throbbing headache. Merry Christmas. I’m the only person who gets hungover from water. Opie bites his toy pizza slice present once then walks away. Good emotional prep for kids one day. Mom and I agree to look at our stockings later when we’re awake. We are Santa for each other. I fill her stocking when I think she’s asleep. She does the same. Neither of us are actually asleep. Just waiting till we hear the other clear from stocking area. We make breakfast for the family and take 17,000 photos in front of Xmas tree. I love adult Christmas. It’s all gift cards for coffee.

PM: Nap after taking nap. Opie actively avoids his pizza chew toy. He has cancer he can do whatever he wants. Life is a blur of eating sweet treats. Wedding body is fading like Marty McFly’s photo in ‘Back to the Future’. Mom and I exchange stockings. She gives me a throwback gift I always asked for as a kid. Cheese Wiz and crackers. I have the diet and wishes of a hobo. I give her gift certificate for mani/pedi. Hibernation nap. Talk with fiance. Extra gooey lovey Christmas words. To everyone else we sound like babies cooing and giggling at each other. She really is the best gift I’ve ever received. // Evening meal at Aunt and Uncle’s. Eat as if I’m about to be dropped off on a deserted island. Home for a silly movie. Brains turned off. Simple Christmas. Jesus loves you. Opie and I go to sleep in a cloud of each other’s post-Xmas farts. Each time he farts he looks at his butt then walks away. He is gassing me to sleep.

Wedding countdown cont’d… Day 24

Day 24:
AM: Mom and I put on body armor, inject caffeine, say prayers and go to Walmart. Last minute frenzy for stuff we’ll all forget in a week. Jesus’ head is exploding. People getting cartfuls of Steven Segal movies and wouldn’t-even-feed-that-to-my-dog candy from the 800% OFF bins. As I wait for mom I chat with a blue vest employee. This is my only performance in a week. Bombing hard. Finally get a huge laugh when I say “moms, they just grow up so fast”. It’s the funniest thing this woman has heard. I know my demo. “Clean up on aisle 3, Paul’s killing.” We survive Walmart. Mom makes me more coffee because I’m being a baby.

PM: Phone call with fiance. Hard to take heed the advice “enjoy each moment before the wedding.” I want all those moments to be with fiance. Do push-ups and brag to fiance for praise and affirmation. Before wedding maybe I can ask bridesmaid’s makeup person to airbrush on movie star abs. // Christmas Eve church service. I pick up Grammy. Reminds me of my used-to-be-so-much-blonder hair. She’s on Comedy Central Roast Battle this Spring. After service we come home for Swedish meatballs. Family tradition. I clean the dishes. Only took me 26 years to finally gift that to my mom. I put Opie’s present under the tree– a toy slice of pizza. Stuff goodies in mom’s stocking. Not putting out cookies and milk for Santa. Mom and I are too tired to wake up and eat them in the middle of the night.

Wedding countdown cont’d…(I realize I’m technically counting up but fiance knows numbers so I don’t) Day 23

Day 23:
AM: Swedish pancakes. All of them. No siblings around to share. All. For. Me. Fiance and I will make Swedish pancakes for our kids one day. Probably organic-gluten-free-range-whole-oat-granola version since they’ll be fancy city kids. Get a hair cut. Ask for “itsy bitsy tiny slight clean-up on the sides and neck.” She gives me the 2007 Britney Spears break-down look. Momma assures me it looks fine. Benefit of such a beautiful fiance is it doesn’t really matter how I look at the ceremony.

PM: Lunch with friend at local diner. Food is so cheap I think we now legally own part of the restaurant. Don’t order the french fries because fiance has spies watching. She’s doing a ton more wedding prep today. Guilt of not being there to help makes me want to eat french fries. Got a package at mom’s house. THEY FOUND ME. // Dinner with Grammy. She reminds me my hair is darker. Less blonde now. Almost brown. I will now think only thoughts about my hair being not blonde for the rest of life. When she asks if I “work on TV” it feels like she’s roasting me. She genuinely doesn’t know, but I still say “touche” in my head. I perform in front of TVs in bars regularly. Catch up with friends at local brewery. Drink water to feel like a chaperone. I’m two Christmases away from asking for fanny pack. When people tell me how cheap rent is here all of a sudden all I can see is that spinning tunnel scene from “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory”. Opie sleeps in bed with me again tonight. Just two bachelor dudes curled up in a ball holding it together until morning.

Wedding countdown cont’d… Day 22

Day 22:
AM: Please dear God let it be the wedding already. The anticipation is more stressful than the planning. Up early. Solo drive to the river to watch the sunrise and do pull-ups. Idk if men tear up looking at a sun rise but Paul does. At least I got buff to compensate. Devotions by the Christmas tree. Stare at birds outside for 7 minutes. I make a wicked cool grandpa and a lame 26 y.o.

PM: Realize I’ve been so relaxed because I haven’t had to tear down any boxes in 4 days. Sample more cookies because they’re lonely on that plate. Lunch with friend. Restaurant owner tells me my face is thin and motions with hand that my cheeks are gaunt. THANKS TRYING TO FIX THAT AT YOUR RESTAURANT. He doesn’t know I need -.00002% body fat for hot irresistible-to-wife wedding bod. Mentally on verge of exploding because I haven’t been on stage in 4 days. Can only force new jokes into conversation with others so much. Mom and I eat dinner with friends. Fiance is in CA slaving away at wedding stuff. I do my part by whining about one reception song. Real smooth. Make a big deal about one song. So helpful to our ceremony of SELFLESS LOVE PAUL. Maybe I can have my own bottle and bib one day. Watch “A Christmas Story” with momma. Opie sits betwixt. He farts often. Not sure if it’s new food farts, medicine farts or cancer farts. Opie sleeping in big bed with me tonight. Farts and all. This is the last person (living thing) to share a bed with me until my wife. Will have to relearn cuddling with someone that isn’t furry.

Wedding countdown cont’d… Day 21

Day 21:
AM: Herculean effort to get out of bed. Opie licks my face post licking his butt. Angel mother greets me with sausage biscuits and coffee. Leaving bed was a good choice. 4 hour time difference with fiance. I don’t text her good morning. Don’t want to risk waking her from her princess slumber. Choosing to text and disturb or neglect to text is Sophie’s choice. She texts me.

PM: Mom and I get our ears candled. Lady shoves a wax cone in your ear and lights it on fire. Think witchcraft but on a massage table. It clears your ears out. We joke about being able to ‘think clearer’ now. Seinfeld level stuff. Mom-son dates used to be slushies or pie. We eat Arby’s for lunch to be nostalgic. “I’m not being unhealthy I’m being nostalgic” is my new defense. War against wedding diet is in full force. I make up for it by looking at an apple and eating single bites of cookies (ate the whole thing) at home. These days are the calm before the storm. Not a bad storm. More like a hurricane of love storm. Fiance texts me picture of her in wedding makeup. Didn’t realize I was MARRYING A MOVIE STAR. She’ll be saying “I do” to a guy who looks like he shaved blindfolded while getting a $12 hair cut. We put lights on our little Xmas tree. Mom makes the same meal Esther made me my first night in new apt. Won’t say whose was better until after I’m under signed legal marriage contract with fiance. Going to bed trying to guilt Morning Paul to wake up early to exercise. Guilt is a great alarm clock.

Wedding countdown cont’d… Day 20

Day 20:
AM: Why am I waking up before 9AM? Body clock is a traitor. Has no place in my body. I’m home for Xmas. I should wake up only when I have to leave Florida completely. Bears hibernate and that’s their vacation. There are no honking horns and crazy people yelling outside my windows like in city. Only birds chirping and moms making breakfast in the kitchen. Mom gives Opie some food treats. Mom and I go to local coffee shop. Normally I like to stay home and have zero human interaction. Local bakeries will pry a man from home. The fun part of running into people is receiving praise for getting married. Some praise throws me off. All I did was get lucky enough to have a woman contractually agree to never leave me. Simple stuff. I’m like a dog wagging his tail with his tongue out whenever someone asks about fiance. Still haven’t decorated our little Charlie Brown Christmas tree. Mom and I will probably wait till Dec 26th. Busy with things like deciding our mother-son dance for the wedding.

PM: Cracker Barrel for dinner with mom and grammy. Very diverse. 99% white people and 1% probably white. Our entire bill is two pennies. This dinner would cost twelve mortgages in the city. Should have eaten more free biscuits. // Home late after good catch up with friend/groomsman. Thought about not telling fiance we ate Krystal’s burgers. Nostalgia is the real attacker of wedding diet. If I’m just Richard Simmons-in-shape and not Zac Effron-in-shape she. will. still. marry. me. I’m safe…ish. Probably.Knowing fiance will accept me for whatever shape I am only makes me want to get borderline sinfully ripped. No matter what age, coming home late feels like sneaky high school coming in late. Won’t be able to tip-toe home late at new apt because wood floorboards creak like an aging pirate’s ship when you so much as glance at them. Wishing I was with fiance to help with wedding stuff. Loving someone brings with it missing them and constantly pushing out thoughts of ‘Final Destination’ tragedies following them throughout the day. Go to bed listening to Opie have weird dreams. Me too buddy, me too.