paulschissler

Bumping Life's Funny Bone

Category: Bite Me

NYC Open Mic

Go to a comedy club this week. Take a break for some laughter. Whether it’s an actual show or an open mic, grab a few friends and pick out a local club. You can check out http://www.bedslava.com for  a list of all the open mics around NYC.

As a comic, going to open mics can suck. Not just suck, but completely knock the wind out of you and make you crumple on stage. The open mic crowds are usually filled with fellow stand ups, so any new and non-comedian in the crowd is welcomed with open arms.

Support your local comics so they can continue to make you laugh! Plus open mics are usually free.

I highly recommend the open mic at Gotham Comedy Club’s “Vintage Room” on Monday nights at 8:00PM. All the times that I’ve been, the crowd has been supportive and warm. It’s a really laid back, fun environment, with a really nice guy hosting– Ben Rosen. It’s so cool doing an open mic in a famous place like Gotham too.

See you at the comedy clubs, NYC!

Advertisements

Sweet Serendipity

I had a deep craving for magically chocolate treat, so it was quite serendipitous when my friends suggested we go to Serendipity 3 for over-the-top delicious desserts.

Serendipity 3, located on 60th St. and 3rd Ave, boasts an eclectic atmosphere of odd trinkets and gaudy decorations– making me feel like I had just entered Cupid’s house– pink with an air of fancy fun. Definitely an awesome date spot. Serendipity 3 is famous for their “Guinness World Record Golden Opulence Sundae for $1,000.00.”

ONE GRAND FOR A FREAKING SUNDAE?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! STOP PUTTING GOLD FLAKES ON YOUR DESSERTS, LUNATICS. I would totally buy it if I had the money.

My three friends and I ordered the chicken nachos, Peanut Butter Frrrozen Hot Chocolate, and the Forbidden Broadway Sundae (don’t just us, there’s an $8 per person minimum).

All of it was sinful.

I wanted to curl up next to a fireplace and hum myself to sleep afterward.

Best. Dessert. Ever.

You would agree. Unless, that is, that you hate decadent hot fudge blanketing a hunk of chocolate chip chocolate cake, surrounded with vanilla ice-cream and topped with whipped cream sprinkled with flakes of chocolate. Or, if you can’t stand the thought of a glass goblet of peanut butter frozen hot chocolate sitting below a heaping mound of whipped cream and chocolate shavings.

I'm using 4 straws at this point

The aftermath

 

 

My only disappointment is knowing that every dessert to follow will not live up to Serendipity’s chocolately deliciousness. Well played, Serendipity…. well played.

 

Helping an Italian man

I was walking home yesterday and a gentleman sitting in his SUV waved me over.

“Hello, I am looking for the G-F-K airport,” he said in a heavy Italian accent pointing to a fold up map.

“You mean the JFK airport?”

“Ah, yes, the JFK airport. You are from NYC, yes?” he said.

“Yea. But you’re going to want to head south.”

“Ah, very good,” he said and shook my hand.

“I’m not exactly sure how to get there, I moved here a month ago.”

“What do you do here? You are a businessman?” he asked.

“No, I’m a comedian.”

“Ah, a what do you mean?”

“You know, a comedian, I tell jokes. Coh-me-dee-ann”

He smiled, “Ah, a cameraman!”

“Yes, I’m a cameraman.”

“Very good, you have a guapo face. Very handsome,” he said.

“Um, thank you.”

“Yes, yes. I just come from Italy and I work for Armani. I have several suit coats in my trunk that I need to get off my hands for very little money. You would like to buy one?” he asked.

“No thanks.”

“Really?”

“I have to go. Bye.”

Review of The Chris Gethard Show

Chris Gethard on set of "The Chris Gethard Show"

What the h-e-double hockey sticks was that?

That’s the only way I can describe my experience as an audience member at “The Chris Gethard Show” a weekly show that airs every Wednesday night at 11:00PM on the Manhattan Neighborhood Network (public access television). It’s random, it’s quirky, it doesn’t make any sense, and it’s absolutely hilarious.

Chris Gethard is well-known for his long time presence at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater. He’s a master of improv, stand up, and comedy writing– “A Bad Idea I’m About to do“– his most recent book, about awkward situations from his life. Even when someone calls in to the show (anyone can call in to talk about anything) Chris is totally in control and reacts with ease. So effing cool.

One of the returning guests on Gethard’s panel, “The human fish,” is only one of the many inexplainable things incorporated in the show, like the random Greek-speaking guy that showed up in a black full-body spandex suit (like the “Green man” from “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia”).

It was one of the funniest shows I’ve ever been to, and anyone can show up to be in the audience! Oh, and there’s a middle-aged woman in the background dancing with a hula hoop through the entirety of each episode. Yes, she was sweating 10 minutes into the show. Regardless, “The Chris Gethard Show” is inspiring for all of us who wish we could just create our own television show and do whatever the hell we want.

@PaulSchissler

Here’s a taste of Gethard’s show:

The Chris Gethard Show

Beware of Crazy People

The breeding ground of crazy people

Monday: Witnessed a homeless guy digging in his crotch down to his elbow, unashamedly exposing himself.

Not only is that image seared in my mind, but I can’t stop wondering what exactly he was doing. The only rational explanations I can think of are the following choices:

A. Scratching (crabs? rash? STD?)

B. Grabbing poop

C. Masturbating

D. Adjusting (himself? underwear?)

Wednesday: My friend told me she walked by a lady fully drop her drawers, squat, and pee on the side of a building. In public, as if hundreds of people weren’t walking by.

There are literally loads of other places to relieve yourself:

1. Any bathroom, anywhere (public library, Starbucks, etc.)

2. Central Park

3. Secluded alley

4. Under a blanket

I guess when you’re homeless you start to lose touch with your dignity and decide that it’s acceptable to attend to yourself in public view. I get it, but I certainly don’t condone it. I mean, doing stuff like digging in your crotch and peeing on a building is not the best marketing strategy for getting people’s pocket change. At least, not from me.

I’m beginning to feel that this city breeds craziness– too many people in too little square footage, and outrageously expensive. Living here seems to push people to their limit until they either:

A. Snap (become homeless, kill people, or both)

B. Break past their limit and reach their goals

Working with Campus Clipper has definitely been a productive way to stay off the streets (or at least prolong the inevitable), and save some cash by cutting coupons.

Post-Grad Pre-NYC

I’m living a life of a post graduate in a pre-New Yorker way– discovering how to live in the big city, fresh out of college. I thought it important to read up on some New York City literature in order to accrue as much advice as possible to help me along the way in Manhattan, so I recently picked up NYC Student Guide. http://campusclipper.com/blog/?page_id=785

I realize that I’m not a “student” anymore, but I’m still on that playing field, and this book had all the tips and information I needed from– from a fellow student’s perspective– to make it in the city. Just in the first few pages I realized how many “unwritten rules” I was breaking on the subway, like “no staring” at people. I come from the South where you make eye contact with others and give them the “head nod.” Evidently, you’re not supposed to do that, which might explain people moving away from me and reciprocating with threatening glares.

Finally, I have a guide book feeding me what I want out of the city, and not some monotonous New York City guide novel by a panel of “certified travel experts” in their 60’s. I’m a foodie to the extreme, and NYC boasts the best of the best restaurants in the world. Unfortunately, I’ve accumulated a hellacious amount of college debt, and don’t have deep pockets to satiate the hungry beast within me. It’s always more helpful to get someone’s advice who’s been in your shoes, and can tell you the cheap spots to eat in a new city.

I went to school at Auburn University in Alabama. I could rent a mansion for what I pay here, and buy 5 pitchers of beer for every on mug I buy at a NYC bar. A few NYC students in the NYC Student Guide helped dumb it down for me so I wouldn’t be dropping my whole paycheck on overpriced meals. They have the inside scoop on cheap burger joints, how to cook meals with what you have at home, and what makes for a great cocktail. Already I can feel myself becoming more of a Yankee… just kidding, the South will rise again!

As a newcomer to the city, and fresh out of the college scene, it’s totally revitalizing to read the NYC Student Guide and feel connected to the college body again. I feel like I’m being included in the cool group of kids on NYC’s city wide campus life– tips and tricks to integrate into the heart of the apple. I found out how to discover concerts in the city and how to snag cheap tickets. Also, I read about some awesome date ideas, so whenever I decide to break up with Single McLoneliness, I can seduce a city girl into a night on the town.

And by seduce, I mean mumble my way into a pity date.

It might help if I start dressing like a New Yorker, which means looking somewhat fashionable. New York is a breeding ground of hipsters–flaunting skinny jeans, chic prints, and really cool jackets. The NYC Student Guide gave this hopeless Southern boy some insight on where I can pick up some reasonably priced threads so that I stand a chance of not looking like I just walked out of the closet from 2001.

Since I’ve arrived to the city, I’ve been exhausted just from being here. Living in city is like a full time mental and physical workout, leaving you drained by the end of the day.

My first Snow Challenge

It’s all about building up stamina. And drinking copious amounts of coffee. However I found out about a few good ways to join the fitness scene in the city thanks to the student guide. I haven’t worked out at the gym in over a month and I can feel myself getting weaker. Turns out, you can haggle over gym prices for your monthly fee, which would be great so I could afford to build back some muscle.

Finding jobs in the city is insane.

I’m still in that student/recent graduate phase where it seems like no one wants to hire me for lack of experience in the real world. How the hell do I get real world experience if no one will give me the opportunity?

The best option? Internships. Package your skill sets, education, and work experience in a way that makes prospective employers say, “Daddy likey.” But not in a creepy, sexual harassment sort of way.

The NYC students from the guide book wisely advised to apply to as many as possible, and be diligent in the internship search. My favorite piece of advice was to “be yourself.” Interns are a dime a dozen, but if you can separate yourself by showcasing your unique personality, then it’ll be beneficial to you and the employer. Use what your momma gave you (I wish I could make that sound sassier than it reads).

Like most guys in their 20’s, I suck at relationships. Keep a a few female friends and a guide book close to strategize your moves in the dating world. In the back of the guide book there’s some insight on communication and personal values to help you keep on your own track. I can feel myself sort of drifting as I walk through the city, but some good ole journaling everyday and reading experiences of others’ is a huge help in keeping me true to who I am.

Go out and get what you’re worth. Like my mom always tells me– don’t settle for good, wait for great!

From the Orange to The Apple

I took the leap from the land of oranges and retirees, to the land of opportunity. A northeast bound journey to pillage New York City of its comedy and writing. Pillaging would be easier if I could grow a beard and go swashbuckling, but I’m a late bloomer and don’t know what “swashbuckling” means.

The world wants to take a bite out of the Big Apple, and I’m going to chew down to the core– finding food, entertainment, jobs, and beauty.